Vaneska Shmirnov

Been out here for a long time. Seems like 4-ever. I’m not tired, not really. If I did then I’d just start something else. Too bored to sleep. So when I’m sweating—take a shower. Don’t listen to the radio, I’m just letting you. In and out, pushing the smoke, watching it disappear. My mouth is so dry I gotta put it out. Through the faucet drips into me. Licking fucks. I DRINK the water.
I came from this place. I didn’t make it, it made me. Okay, so I was like, what am I gonna do about this? Make my own, wiiCONTROL. So it’s sort of the same, but it’s always we. And I’m starting to think now, why not alone? But family’s important. So I make another. Loving, looking, all the grls, like sisters, we act like fathers.
>Remember that time?
>You know, like when you kept thinking I was something else?
>Yea, like everything was sort of fukcd up, swirling, and you weren’t yourself, even the memory of yourself was lost, sht.
>I couldn’t recognize you anymore—like, you weren’t the person I knew you in me to be.
>Because you couldn’t see yourself.
>I couldn’t see myself in you.
>And I was like, how long is this sht gonna last??
Through dark tunnels, I can’t see anything. So I’m just moving around without seeing, feeling the void. And I need another pack so we stop at her counter.
“You doing all right?”
And I’m like, yeah, hands thirsted, and she puts the box in them, the skin on her fingers, lotioning–her mint green nails left a white scratch.
(Grl, , all of your skin is like the inside of your thigh).
I leave her, fill it with gas.
What else? A little Black Hole in the circles of white—my eyes rAve.
Head’s sick, thinking. Nothing but a fucker. Cradling my ass and shitting on my brain. I’m so used to it (so I thought). So I’m use to it (so I’ve used to it). SO I’m used to it (Finally I lost it). So I miss it so much right now (which is so like you).